Mourning Customs

Introduction
Jewish tradition divides the period of mourning into four basic periods, during which different customs are observed. The first is the period of aninut, the time between death and burial. After burial, there is shiva – the first week of mourning, shloshim – the first month, and the first year. After the first year is over, one commemorates the deceased's passing once a year, on the Hebrew date of his death. The customs observed and the signs of mourning diminish as one moves farther away from the moment of death. The purpose of the mourning customs is to help the mourners find a proper balance between their desire and need to mourn and the necessity that Jewish tradition sees in returning to everyday living. Customs of mourning guide the mourners in appropriate behavior at a time of grief and despair and help ease their confusion and doubts. As time passes, the expectation and hope is that people recover from their overwhelming grief, return to their routine, and require less and less external direction.

Jewish tradition differentiates between different relatives regarding the length of mourning. For parents one mourns an entire year, while for other relatives (brother, sister, child, or spouse) one mourns for 30 days. This tradition developed because of the presumption that a parent's death is generally natural, and thus the mourner is encouraged to mourn. Since other deaths are unexpected, it is common that a person will grieve excessively, and Jewish tradition attempts to encourage him to recover and resume his routine. One does not observe any period of mourning for a baby who died within 30 days of birth due to the high incidence of infant mortality throughout history.

The customs of mourning are many and varied, and differ from place to place. Some of the customs are based on mystical beliefs, which some people hold by, while others do not. In this pamphlet, we familiarize you only with the most commonly accepted customs, in the spirit of the halachic principle, that in mourning ‘the halacha is determined according to the lenient opinion’.

Aninut
The interval between death and burial is known as the period of "aninut." This is a period for the immediate family of introspection and of preparing for the funeral. Close family (parents, siblings, children and spouses)are viewed by Jewish tradition as being preoccupied with the loss, and are thus absolved of traditional Jewish responsibilities such as prayers. Some of the mourning customs are adopted from this moment such as the customs of cutting one's hair, studying Torah or engaging in sexual relations. Similarly, mourners at this stage generally refrain from eating meat or drinking wine, symbols of joy and festivity. If the period between death and burial extends over the Shabbat, then these customs are not adopted, though they begin again following the Shabbat.

Shiva
Shiva, which begins immediately after burial, is Jewish tradition's way of guiding mourners to cope with their anguish and return to their lives. The mourners do not wallow alone in their grief but spend time surrounded by friends, family, and fellow mourners. The mourners do not leave the 'mourning house' the entire week, and with friends and acquaintances visiting constantly, generally they are not left alone for more than a moment. You will be surrounded, for the most part, that first week after your loved one’s death, by people, with whom you will need to interact and talk. You may find this difficult or burdensome at certain moments, and wish you could be alone. Halacha reckons, however, that you will be more capable of coping with your loss by yourself, after the first week has passed, and the initial intense grief has somewhat diminished.

Shiva is seven days long, like Joseph’s period of mourning for his father, Jacob (Genesis 50:10). Seven is a number of symbolic significance, as seven is the number of days of creation, and thus the number of days in a week. Wedding celebrations last seven days, a brit milah is performed on the eighth day, upon the completion of the first week of a baby’s life, and the main festivals (Pesach and Sukkot) are seven days long. Thus, seven is also the number of days in the initial mourning period. Some people attribute mystical significance to the length of shiva, considering seven to be the number of days the soul mourns for its body.

Shiva commences immediately after burial. The day of the funeral will count as the first day of shiva even if the burial takes place just before sunset (in Jewish tradition, the day begins and ends at sunset). Shiva ends on the morning of the seventh day after burial, after the mourners have sat for merely a few minutes.

» Choosing a place:
It is a good idea to give some thought as to which of your options would be most suitable for a ‘shiva house’. Sometimes, the deceased’s housed is obviously the best choice, but other times, one of the alternatives may be better. Take into account the proximity of the shiva house to the mourners’ homes and to the homes of those who will be coming to pay their respects, and the size of the house – is it large enough: to accommodate all the people who will be coming to pay their respects, to hold prayer services, and to allow for the preparation of significant quantities of food. If the shiva house is not large enough, some people have the custom to erect a ‘mourner’s tent’ next to their house. If all the mourners cannot fit in one house, they may sit shiva in different homes. Likewise, you may divide the shiva between two houses – eg. The deceased’s home and your home - if this is more convenient for you or your friends.

» Technical arrangements:
You may have begun to set up the shiva house before shiva started. Do not hesitate, though, to ask friends and relatives who are not in mourning for help with whatever arrangements remain to be made. Your friends will be more than glad for the opportunity to help out.

» Necessary equipment:
One needs to equip the selected apartment with chairs, memorial candles that will remain lit for the entire week, and – if prayer services will be conducted there – a Sefer Torah, siddurim, and kippot. Some people also set out a charity box, for the ascendancy of the deceased’s soul. One can borrow these articles from the chevra kadisha or from a gemach (a charitable organization which lends these articles out for free).. It is customary, particularly in Sephardic and Middle Eastern communities, to serve full meals (sometimes, even meat and wine) to the guests who come to comfort the mourners. The blessings that these visitors recite aloud before eating are considered to be a blessing for the soul of the deceased. If this is your custom, make sure that you have disposable dishes and appropriate tables and chairs. The food itself will generally be provided by neighbors. In other communities (especially Ashkenazic) it is customary to set out only drinks and cookies or fruit.

Click here for a list of organizations that provide materials to equip the mourner's home.

» Arranging the shiva house:
It is a good idea to remove all unnecessary furniture from the shiva house, as well as valuables that could be damaged by the significant number of people who will be passing through the house. The mourners customarily sit on low seats: either on mattresses laid out on the ground, on couches and chairs with their cushions removed, or on stools. It is also customary to cover all the mirrors in the mourners' house with sheets or handkerchiefs. Visitors and family members will appreciate looking through any family albums that you bring to the shiva house. The door of the house is generally left open during the time when visitors are expected. In order to help visitors locate the correct apartment, it is customary to hang mourning notices on the front of the building and on the door of the house. You can also specify on these notices the hours during which you prefer to receive visitors and those in which you want some privacy and rest.

» Customs of shiva:
Immediately upon returning from the cemetery, the mourners partake in a meal called the se'udat havra'ah. At this meal, it is customary to eat round foods, such as eggs, lentils, and bagels symbolizing the life cycle. Since the return to normal life is curtailed during the week of shiva, you will not be involved in preparing this meal, or any of your meals during the week of shiva. Friends and neighbors will take responsibility for preparing your food, serving it to you, cleaning up, and doing whatever they can to make this period of time easier for you. At times, you may feel inclined to take care of things for yourself, but the custom is that you should refrain from such work during shiva (unless there is no one else to do it for you). During this week, the mourners are also discouraged from bathing, changing or laundering their clothing, cutting their hair or shaving, applying makeup or cream, wearing leather shoes, engaging in sexual relations, or leaving the house. Mourners also do not study Torah, except for the portions that deal with mourning, nor do they greet others and inquire about their welfare. Mourners sit only on low benches.

Different people regard these customs with varying levels of strictness. Some people spend the entire shiva in one house and even in one room, even when the house is small and there are many mourners. Others spend the day together but go home at night. The customs also vary regarding washing and applying ointments. Washing or applying creams for pleasure and wearing new clothes is generally discouraged. Some people, however, rinse, at least in cold water, parts of their body, and launder their clothing at night so that they can wear them again the next day. At the very least, the mourners should be careful not to wear new or freshly laundered clothing.

» Prayer, blessings, and study in the mourner's house:
In order to enable the mourners to say kaddish in a minyan, some people organize regular prayer services in the house in which the mourners are sitting shiva. One must arrange for a Sefer Torah, siddurim, and kippot, as well as ten men who can commit to coming at prayer times. The order of prayer in the mourner's house is standard, except for the addition of the Mourner's Kaddish, and Psalm 49 or 16, and the omission of Tachanun, LaMenatzeach, and the Priestly Blessing. We also refrain from particularly joyous tunes in prayer. If one is unable to conduct prayer services in one's home, one may go to a synagogue in order to say kaddish. It is customary in some mourners’ houses to devote the time between the mincha and maariv prayer services to study of Torah for the elevation of the soul of the deceased. Any text can be studied, though traditionally mishnayot are chosen (because of the similarity between the word Mishnah and neshama – משנה-נשמה). Generally, one selects mishnayot, whose initial letters spell out the deceased’s first name, ones which deal with life and death, or mishnayot 4-7 in chapter 7 of tractate mikvaot (since its first letters spell out the word neshama – soul).

Visiting the grave
After sitting for a short time on the seventh day, all those who are present in your home at the time will say to you “Arise from your mourning”, and according to some customs quote to you the following verses of comfort: “Your sun shall not go down anymore, nor shall your moon withdraw itself, for the Lord shall be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended (Isaiah 60:20)” and “As one whom his mother comforts, so will I comfort you, and you shall be comforted in Jerusalem (Isaiah 66:13).” You will then stand up, put on your regular shoes, and drive to the cemetery, to the grave of the deceased. Your may postpone the visit to the cemetery to later in the day, if it is more convenient for family and friends. You also may shower and change out of one’s mourning clothes before going to the cemetery. At the cemetery, you should have a short ceremony during which certain Psalms (usually Psalms 33, 16, 72, 91, 104, and 130), and verses (from Psalm 119) whose initial letters spell the first name of the deceased and the word neshama (soul) are recited. This ceremony is concluded with the recitation of the Mourner's Kaddish (provided there is a minyan) and the prayer El Malei Rachamim. After the religious ceremony, it is appropriate to share personal thoughts and memories, if the family wishes.

Proper conduct when visiting mourners
· Visiting days: If you aren't a close relative or friend of the mourners or deceased, avoid visiting the mourner's home on the first or second day of shiva. Allow the mourners time to be by themselves and with their family.
· Visiting hours: Though you may have a very busy schedule, you need be considerate of the mourners – realize that they receive visitors all day long, and they are physically and emotionally worn out. Don't begin your visit after 10 PM. If you are in the mourners' house late at night, consider cutting your visit short. Many families rest between 2 and 4 PM so try not to visit then. If you come to the shiva house and see that you are the only visitor, consider returning at a different time so that the mourners can take the opportunity to rest a little. If you see that the mourner is eating, encourage him to continue – you can wait a few minutes for him or return later. Always remember that your objective is to comfort the mourner and not to inconvenience him in any way.
· What to bring: In most places, particularly in Sephardic and Middle Eastern communities, it is customary to bring food for the mourners. The mourners' families shoulder a heavy burden preparing the food, cleaning the house, taking care of the children, and hosting the visitors, particularly in communities in which all the visitors are served meals. Any food that you cook for them will be greatly appreciated. Try to bring the food in disposable dishes, so that no one will have to bother storing and returning your dishes. If you don't keep kosher, buy and bring ready-made food. Some mourners have the custom not to eat meat during shiva so check before bringing any meat dishes. Bringing flowers to the mourners' house is not customary in most Jewish communities, and may even be viewed as insensitive since flowers are associated with happiness and not with mourning.
· What to say: Certain mourning practices exacerbate the unease that generally characterizes any visit to a mourner’s house. Upon entering the mourner's home, the visitor generally does not extend greetings, and must instead find some sort of a substitute – a nod or some other opening line. Jewish tradition also suggests that the guests not initiate conversation with the mourner, but instead wait for the mourner to start talking to them. The mourner, himself, may feel somewhat uncomfortable, and there may be an awkward silence initially. When the mourner does begin talking, help him out by raising your own topics of discussion: inquire as to the circumstances of death; if you didn't know the deceased, ask about him and his life. In general, the mourners are eager to talk about their departed relative. Ask to see pictures and family albums – looking through pictures together will often lead to conversation. You may also speak about yourselves and raise topics of common interest. Realize that most mourners cannot sit for fourteen hours each day talking about death, and are happy for a little light conversation. If you are offered something to eat, don't refuse since the blessings you recite before eating food in the mourner's house are viewed by many as a way to give respect to the deceased. Upon leaving the mourner's house, it is customary to say, ‘המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים ולא תוסיפו לדאבה עוד’ (in Ashkenazic communities) ‘May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem and know no more sorrow’; or ‘מן השמים תנוחמו’ ‘May heaven comfort you’ (in Sephardic communities).
· How to dress: Though one doesn't need to adhere to a specific dress code when going to visit a mourner, one should give a moment of thought to what manner of dress is appropriate in such circumstances in one’s community. Some men put on a kippa or other head covering.

Mourning on Shabbat and festivals
If burial takes place before a festival (Pesach, Shavuot, Sukkot, Rosh Hashana, or Yom Kippur), the festival terminates the shiva period, or postpones it. If burial, however, takes place during the Intermediate Days of a festival, shiva is postponed until the conclusion of the festival, at which time shiva is observed for the regular seven days. The holiday of Purim does not cut short the shiva period, though a mourner does change his clothes and leave his house in honor of the holiday.

Shabbat, in contrast to the festivals, does terminate the shiva period. Public laws of mourning, however, are not observed on Shabbat. On the eve of Shabbat, the mourners, therefore, change their clothes and leave the house. Private customs of mourning, such as the avoidance of sexual relations, stay in effect over Shabbat. Mourners customarily come to the synagogue on Friday evening only after the congregation has sung Lecha dodi Shabbat. Before they enter the synagogue, one of the congregants announces their arrival, and instructs the congregation: “Go out to greet the mourners.” The congregation arises, and makes room for the mourners, who then join the service. On their way to their seats, the congregants comfort the mourners and say to them, “המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים ולא תוסיפו לדאבה עוד’ (in Ashkenazic communities) ‘May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem and know no more sorrow’; or ‘מן השמים תנוחמו’ ‘May heaven comfort you’ (in Sephardic communities).

Shloshim
Realize that shloshim – the thirty days of mourning – begins at the time of burial and not after shiva ends, so all mourning practices that relate specifically to the shloshim period, practically speaking, apply for only three weeks (after shiva) and not four.

Some of the mourning practices continue into shloshim and some cease with the end of shiva. The stricter prohibitions regarding dress, washing, wearing shoes, leaving the house, and refraining from work no longer apply. For the entire thirty-day period, however, it is customary to avoid cutting one's hair, shaving, wearing new clothing, attending festive meals or weddings (some people attend the chuppa and the brit or pidyon haben ceremony, but not the party), or going to places of entertainment. Some people also don't wear freshly ironed or festive clothing, bathe in hot water, or listen to any music, even on the radio or television. Mourners recite the Mourner's Kaddish for this entire period so even people who don't regularly pray in a synagogue make sure to do so during shloshim. Some people take it upon themselves to wear a kippa (or hat) while others light memorial candles during this whole period. If a festival (on which there is a prohibition against work) occurs during shloshim, the customs of mourning are cut short, just as they are for shiva.

At the end of shloshim, the deceased's family visits his grave. Some people erect a tombstone at this point, while others wait until the first anniversary of death. At the grave, it is customary to recite verses from Psalms, the Mourner's Kaddish (assuming there is a minyan), and El Malei Rachamim, and to have family or friends share personal thoughts. You can either run this ceremony by yourself or hire a rabbi to officiate it for you for a token fee.

The period of mourning for all relatives except parents concludes with the end of shloshim.

Year (12 months)
When one is in mourning for one's parents, most of the laws of shloshim apply for an entire year (in other words, for an additional eleven months, after shloshim). The mourner customarily does not attend festive celebrations or social gatherings, or wear new clothing. The precise practice regarding the shaving or cutting of one’s hair can vary: some people extend the prohibition the entire year, while others shave immediately after shloshim. Jewish law requires that a man grow his beard wild (in mourning) until ‘his friends reprimand him - "עד שיגערו בו חבריו" . Therefore, if one's profession or status requires it, one can already shave when shloshim ends. One recites the Mourner's Kaddish (and goes to synagogue for this purpose) for 11 months from burial (for 10 months post shloshim). At the end of the year of mourning, family and friends visit the grave and conduct a short religious ceremony and share personal thoughts. It is customary to visit the grave each year on the 'anniversary' of the death to remember the deceased. On a Jewish leap year (a year with two Adars – a 13-month year), mourning customs are only practiced for 12 months. The visit to the grave, however, generally takes place only 13 months after burial (though, some people have the custom to also visit the grave after 12 months). On the ITIM website you will find the traditional texts recited at this ceremony, and suggestions as how to personalize your ceremony.

Anniversary (yahrzeit) and Yizkor days
Every year, on the Hebrew date of death (not burial), the deceased's family customarily marks the day and remembers the deceased. It is customary to light a memorial candle that will burn for the entire 24-hour period, to visit the deceased's grave, and to conduct a short ceremony there. On the ITIM website you can find the full text of this ceremony. After going to the cemetery, the deceased's family usually gets together to share memories, and to learn Mishnah (or other texts) for the elevation of the soul of the deceased. Some people have the custom to be called up to the Torah on the Shabbat or Monday or Thursday before the yahrzeit. If you don’t know where your loved one is buried, contact the chevra kadisha that dealt with his burial. If you are either unable to locate the grave or to travel to it, you can conduct the identical memorial service in your house or Synagogue.

It is customary to recite the yizkor (remembrance) prayers four times each year: on Yom Kippur, the seventh day of Pesach, Shavuot, and Simchat Torah (in Israel, the same day as Shmini Atzeret, the eighth day of Sukkot) after the Torah reading and before the Mussaf prayer. In these prayers, we remember both those for whom the entire congregation mourns – martyrs of the Holocaust and casualties of Israel's battles – as well as personal relatives who have died. One whose relative has passed away traditionally lights a memorial candle on these days.

In calculating the Hebrew date of death, note that a Jewish day begins at sunset and ends at nightfall the following day (and not at midnight). If the deceased died, therefore, in the evening or night, his date of death will correspond to the Hebrew date of the following day.

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Burial and Mourning

Mourning Customs